Clarity is Priceless

Finally, I have found clarity and confidence looking back at me in the mirror.

I remember in highschool, all athletes that wanted to participate in any sports that following year had to go through a sports physical screening. Volleyball, basketball and softball were my thing. I don't remember much of what information was gathered, but I do remember each of us had to get on the scale and with most of our peers in ear shot, the nurse would call out our stats to another nurse recording them. ... I weighed 171 pounds. Funny thing is, I don't remember anyone else's stats and I'm pretty sure they don't remember mine. Even so, it was an anvil crushing down and compressing everything in my life to that point.

In my early 20s, I hit the gym 4-6 days a week determined to lose weight. I worked out for several hours each day. Many days when the weather cooperated, I would rollerblade 3-4 times around Lake Calhoun in beautiful Minneapolis before I even got to the gym. I always felt great about getting strong and fit, but it wasn't congruent with how I felt about my appearance on the outside.

Fast forward through almost a decade; in the beginning, I get an administrative desk job, move up in the corporate/operational ladder, enlist in the National Guard and eventually get married. I had all three of my babies and and a knee surgery in one year. Oh yes, 2005 was a very busy, joyous and painful year. One that I believe I am finally recovering from.

Needless to say, once job, marriage, family, babies and other commitments starting taking it's toll, the inner me just faded into the background of an unfulfilled life.

Sure, I would enjoy sparks of light and dive into something good for me, just me, here or there, but it would eventually go out. While that moment in highschool isn't the catalyst that really got me here, it's really the only place comfortable/appropriate for me to start.

Running on empty and burning the candle at both ends was something very familial to me. Then in 2008 when I thought the unfulfilled life that I've faded into could not get any worse, it did.

It's taken me almost two years of searching and finding me. Getting back to the basics and becoming grateful for what I did have was a start. While ending it all had always been a tempting, frightening, open door since 5th grade, I refused to give in and completely give up.

Bottom line, I'm still standing, I am here, I'm not fading into the background of an unfulfilled life anymore and I like what I see.  Finally.

Originally posted on My Vi-Net @ 1:01 pm 04/11/10